Here’s Why I’m Not Voting Today, and My New Universal Ten Commandments

The purpose of this post is to plainly oppose the stupidly-fucking-complex, soap-opera-like, horse-cock parade this election has spawned. Humans don’t need complex political systems. We all like to eat, drink, fuck, and feel like we’re better than other people. The only difference is how we slice the world – Who’s good? Who’s bad? Who can we convert to our cause?

Some neat place in Brussels. I never got the name. Shot on Portra 400, I believe.
Some neat place in Brussels. I never got the name. Shot on Portra 400, I believe.

Probably the only large-scale, sustainable political system is one that doesn’t even consider these questions, or rather answers them, in order: “Everyone. Everyone. No one – they have their own cause.” What it would consider is the ability for humans to keep living, on Earth, without stumbling upon self-imposed extinction. I’ll be back in a few thousand years when that’s on the table.

Our obsession over Russia, emails, the Middle East, locker room talk, Mexico, guns, and privilege boils down to those three questions. They’re all bad and good and fucking stupid.

Russia is people. Emails is letters to/from people. The Middle East is people. Locker room talk is people in a locker room… talking. And it could be offensive to people. México es gente. Privilege is people liking other people more than other other people, which lets the other people do more stuff.

This shit is drama. Plain and simple.

Imagine everyone in the world is your roommate. Now imagine these issues are points of contention between you and one roommate. Would you address them the way we currently address them on a global scale? If so, you’re a shitty roommate. And a dramatic whore.


I’m not voting today because I have no faith in the motives of Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. By “motives” I mean very simply their reasons for seeking the presidency of the United States of America. I think they are both dramatic whores.

For the record, I was a person who, until last night, was going to vote for Hillary because Trump is too obviously a dingbat. But there is something unpleasant about Hillary as well, and it manifests as distrust, as it does for many. And I just realized something about the distrust we all readily express for politicians. I at least realized what I mean when I say I don’t trust politicians:

When I say, “I don’t trust politicians,” what I mean is, “It feels like politicians give us information for their gain, rather than our education.”

That makes more sense to me. That gives me a more sensual, deep-in-the-gut feeling about politics. Saying, “I don’t trust politicians” makes me feel nothing. It makes some intellectual sense, but there is no ardor behind it.

Knowing that I question the heartiness of political informing helps me put a finger on how the political body relates to me. It doesn’t.

Politicians pay to share information with us ONCE during their terms: when asking for the job.

After that?
Better hope to find time for CSPAN. Fuck that shit.

You (@politicians) collect and spend millions of dollars to ask to be hired.

You ask us to submit a piece of paper requesting that you be given a paycheck funded by taking chunks out of our paychecks, and also pay for your retirement and healthcare by taking more chunks out of our paychecks, and also give you military and economic powers, and make you famous to other countries and future humans?

It seems a bit much, honestly.

You could at least spend as much to tell us what you’re doing with our money and collective brand name as you spend telling us how great you are. (Before you say something about Trump not being a politician, consider what he has actually proposed doing with our resources: “It’s gonna be great.” Wonderful, Donald. Go outside and play.)

If you want to take it a step further, I would gladly pay you money and give you power and fame and all that shit to do your job. Your job which is to help us all keep living here without dying off before our species-finale Asteroid Party, tentatively scheduled for the 5th day of McFrank, in the year 42069. But you don’t do that. You might throw us a bone here and there, but you’re also rubbing elbows and crafting some stale personal legacy. You don’t want to do your job, as I see it.

You want the shit – the money, the fame, the feeling of importance. I get it. It’s human. But it’s also human to be pissed when you are deceived. Remember: we’re your employer. We hired you to fix the dining room table and keep the bathroom clean, but you’re off with the butler from next door, shitting on each other’s chests for erotic pleasure.

That was an awesome metaphor. I’m having fun writing this, guys.

That said, I’m sleepy. I wrote this late last night (11/07/16, if you happen to be reading this on a date after 11/08/16 [If you’re reading this on the 5th day of McFrank, in the year 42069… Don’t hold back, it’s the Asteroid Party]).
Time to wrap it up.

Vote or don’t.

Vote Hillary.
Vote Trump.
Vote Johnson, Bernie, Stein, Vermin Supreme, Deez Nuts…

No matter what, I probably won’t try to kill you… unless you kick me or something. I’ll probably hold the door for you, and maybe let you pet my dog, if I ever get one. I won’t try to bomb your family or steal all your money. Both sound like too much work, and then you’ll be sad, and sadness is a burden on everyone.

That’s my platform: Be kind of nice and don’t kick or bomb people.

So here are my updated Ten Commandments, for use by all humans. Vote McFrank in 2017, the “new black” of election years.

  1. Hold the door.
  2. No kicking, unless it’s sports.
  3. Enjoy not being a dick.
  4. Enjoy other people not being dicks.
  5. Keep it simple.

What are your thoughts?